Inner workings: anxiety

Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 26, 2026

Considering mortality

Warning, I talk about some morbid thoughts today. With Dolly Parton and Tim Curry both dying yesterday, age 80, I'm considering my own death.

The pulmonary function tests didn't go that well on Wednesday morning. I have always had trouble with the demand to breathe out, more , more, more! But I couldn't even get my inbreath to register with the computer. I finally noticed that the technician was telling me to take a sharp in-breath when I hadn't completely finished my outbreath. When I mentioned this, she told me to do it myself.

And then I finally had one out of three tries at least register. She had been frustrated that I just wasn't having a 6 second intake. Nope. I couldn't find anyplace inside for more air. So she had me use the albuterol puffer. It did a little bit better. And in between test breaths I was using my oxygen to have comfort.

It does not bode well, I'm feeling. I'm writing this after I got home, having done some grocery shopping and picked up new prescriptions. I had a apple turnover for lunch, then a nap. It's a cloudy windy day outside, so I have the blinds partially open to see the sky and trees outside.

So I haven't put much thought into considering that I might not get better. I may never be able to walk around without oxygen. I may need a walker to help carry the portable thingie, just because its heavy, and my ability to walk over 20 yards now leaves me panting out of breath, with the oxygen.

What if I am already at the best it's going to get? And for how long might I be able to live independently?

Tai has already had conversations about this, that I need to check out assisted living facilities. That was before he drove 1800 miles with me. He knows my limitations pretty well by now. Some tomorrow I might need someone to fix my meals, help me bathe, make sure I get my meds.

And as I drove around with my handicap tag on my windshield, from NC, I realized I might have to stop driving. What if I can't pass the Colorado driver's license test? Does making at least one wrong turn on each trip out mean I'm more limited than I think? It's more that I think, well, I should go east on 160, and then find out, I really needed west. These are newcomer's mistakes.

The no driving thing is really the worst thought since I am already dealing with limited walking. I want to walk along Third Ave, and down to Rotary Park...just 2 blocks distant. These are so simple, and yet out of my reach so far.

Of course the worst is just dying, in my sleep, or falling and hitting my head...both of which are possibilities. Or maybe I'll fall and end up hospitalized, and never leave. I'm not exactly ready. Need to write a new will. And then get it witnessed. Job to do, which of course has been avoided. Maybe 15 years ago I did write one. No idea if it's still around. Time to think of a new one.

And the job of clearing out the apartment will fall to Kendra and Tai. That encourages me to continue to give away anything that has little personal value.

I've seen the laundry room situation with my former neighbors' furniture, bedding, etc. Of course I would be happy to recycle most of my things. My personal value is not the same as anyone else...and so considering letting go of stuff (again!) is a continuing task.

Yes perhaps this is the age when I should be getting ready to die. Whew. At least today I'm getting ready to get ready.

Thursday, July 17, 2025

Mindfulness meditation class

Topic was anxiety and pain.

I went and joined 4 others as well as a licensed teacher, where we had 2 episodes of meditation. A bit of discussion of pain and anxiety, and treatments of same.

It was a good hour for just $5.

I will try it again.

Did I get an answer to a question I posed?

Not really. The anxious awakening in the night and not being able to go back to sleep.

One woman said 4 cups of sleepy time tea. (and didn't mention how my bladder would respond to that).

I do like the idea of doing some mindful breath focus, just to get my mind away from worrying about the state of something that I did, or am about to do. I'll see how that works before the next class.

Monday, March 10, 2025

Anxiety

Thank you, Thich Nhat Hanh, Buddhist monk.

"...What is most important is not to allow your anxiety about what happens in the world to fill your heart. If your heart is filled with anxiety, you will get sick, and you will not be able to help."

I do look at what is happening, and put it into the box called current events.

Then I look at photos of nature, and enjoy the box of the environment, and then sometimes mention what needs to be done.

I also have boxes called "my family" and "my friends."

And of course one called "blogging."

I do categorize what my life has happening. It works for me. I think leaders of spirituality have much bigger things they think about than I do, and I look seriously at what they have to say.

What is my heart filled with anyway?

Wonder. At beauty in its many forms.

Compassion towards almost everyone. There are still a few exceptions to my sense of love.

Gratitude. I am in awe that I've lived to 82-1/2 years of age, and am able to do so much, and experience so many wonderful things.

Sunday, February 23, 2025

Economic anxiety and food

I've come close to being a prepper...due to high anxiety at times with our politics vs. my economic situation. Never did try to have a year's worth of food. Never had the energy actually.

But it is worth looking at, considering how much I do depend upon the farmers (as many local ones as possible) and the processing of the foods I purchase, and the transporting of them and packaging etc. Can't wait till spring when the Tailgate Market can cut out all those middle men. I must remember when their prices are higher than the grocery store that I am actually supporting a real person who's standing in front of me, vs all the others who contribute to the much older foods in the grocery.