Warning, I talk about some morbid thoughts today. With Dolly Parton and Tim Curry both dying yesterday, age 80, I'm considering my own death.
The pulmonary function tests didn't go that well on Wednesday morning. I have always had trouble with the demand to breathe out, more , more, more! But I couldn't even get my inbreath to register with the computer. I finally noticed that the technician was telling me to take a sharp in-breath when I hadn't completely finished my outbreath. When I mentioned this, she told me to do it myself.
And then I finally had one out of three tries at least register. She had been frustrated that I just wasn't having a 6 second intake. Nope. I couldn't find anyplace inside for more air. So she had me use the albuterol puffer. It did a little bit better. And in between test breaths I was using my oxygen to have comfort.
It does not bode well, I'm feeling. I'm writing this after I got home, having done some grocery shopping and picked up new prescriptions. I had a apple turnover for lunch, then a nap. It's a cloudy windy day outside, so I have the blinds partially open to see the sky and trees outside.
So I haven't put much thought into considering that I might not get better. I may never be able to walk around without oxygen. I may need a walker to help carry the portable thingie, just because its heavy, and my ability to walk over 20 yards now leaves me panting out of breath, with the oxygen.
What if I am already at the best it's going to get? And for how long might I be able to live independently?
Tai has already had conversations about this, that I need to check out assisted living facilities. That was before he drove 1800 miles with me. He knows my limitations pretty well by now. Some tomorrow I might need someone to fix my meals, help me bathe, make sure I get my meds.
And as I drove around with my handicap tag on my windshield, from NC, I realized I might have to stop driving. What if I can't pass the Colorado driver's license test? Does making at least one wrong turn on each trip out mean I'm more limited than I think? It's more that I think, well, I should go east on 160, and then find out, I really needed west. These are newcomer's mistakes.
The no driving thing is really the worst thought since I am already dealing with limited walking. I want to walk along Third Ave, and down to Rotary Park...just 2 blocks distant. These are so simple, and yet out of my reach so far.
Of course the worst is just dying, in my sleep, or falling and hitting my head...both of which are possibilities. Or maybe I'll fall and end up hospitalized, and never leave. I'm not exactly ready. Need to write a new will. And then get it witnessed. Job to do, which of course has been avoided. Maybe 15 years ago I did write one. No idea if it's still around. Time to think of a new one.
And the job of clearing out the apartment will fall to Kendra and Tai. That encourages me to continue to give away anything that has little personal value.
I've seen the laundry room situation with my former neighbors' furniture, bedding, etc. Of course I would be happy to recycle most of my things. My personal value is not the same as anyone else...and so considering letting go of stuff (again!) is a continuing task.
Yes perhaps this is the age when I should be getting ready to die. Whew. At least today I'm getting ready to get ready.
It must be horrible and scary to struggle to breathe. We are all going to get there to the end sooner or later, and we are hoping for later. I do wish good as good a day as possible today because that is what we have, and it can be enough for now.
ReplyDeleteThanks AC. Yes, living one day at a time is a good guidance. And making it as good as we can.
DeleteAs I commented on Ellen Abbot's blog yesterday, it is so strange how we humans are somehow surprised at the thought we are, in fact, mortal. Everyone dies and yet- me too? And oh, the things we do to try and somehow convince ourselves that no, no. Not me! Denial is strong, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteWe should all be getting ready to get ready. Not to focus on the inevitable, I guess, but to accept that it is. I don't know. I just know we never seem to be prepared. For now though, I think Anvilcloud's words are wise.
I've recognized that I need to consider my own death with more love and understanding, and move away from the fear that underlies my feelings.
DeleteIn the past couple of weeks I have been sitting with a good friend several times a week who recently began home hospice care. We have been good friends for 50 years. Her 80th birthday is coming up in October. We talk for hours about anything and everything and we laugh a lot. One day at a time has become our mantra.
ReplyDeleteExcellent to know you're there as a friend for someone who is at the end of their life. As we get older, many of our friends and family face their mortality, and I needed a shake up to consider my own.
DeleteI was reminded again that we are mortal with the recent deaths, including the son of one of my neighbors. I went through this 3 years ago when my sister suddenly died. Reminders keep coming. I'm not afraid of dying, just not tired of living yet.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, I do have many things still to do! Does that keep me going? I hope so. But also having a team of friends, relatives and professionals who all support my life and choices, giving energies that give hope, no matter what day it is...the 100th to the last, or the last.
DeleteIn January I had a spell where I could not breath. I managed to crawl to my husband and wake him so he could call 911. I sat on a chair in the dining room waiting for help. I could not lift my head and was looking at piles under my hutch and table and things that need sorted. I really did not think I would be coming home and was very sorry I was leaving this mess for my children.
ReplyDeleteI did come home (obviously) and my life has really changed. I had planned to hang out until i was at least 92 - a number I chose randomly. Now I am working on the bucket list - things like a family photo but mostly trying to go through the piles of the last 48 years we have lived in this house. The clutter is overwhelming and it just needs to go. And by clutter I mean quilting and sewing supplies that I will never get to, mountains of craft supplies, hundreds of books that I am sure I will not re-read. (and which of the hundreds to keep). It is taking me longer than I planned because I get so GD tired.
Anyway - long story to say I understand where you are coming from. We did update our wills and I even purchased plots. And stones which are just waiting for a final date because I am a control freak and I want things done my way.
I am glad to read your pulmonary appointment did not go as badly as you feared. You know, we got this. One day at a time.