Threshold ritual for grief

 

I think it was an hour ago when my friend texted that her husband had died the day before. She said she was about to call the funeral home.

So I just texted back that I was so sorry, and was thinking of her. She had been expecting his death for some time.

I also texted a virtual hug, and availability to talk via phone or in person. I left it to her as to when. (Maybe that's a good plan, but if I don't hear from her today, I may call myself later.)

Then I noticed my own feelings.

She's not a pagan, but a humanist. For her this is the end of his existence. For me it's just a transition of the spirit of that man to another form. 

I honor her own beliefs of course. But for me I stopped and stood in the threshold to my bedroom.

I just stood there thinking of transitions. I wanted to say goodbye and pleasant journeys to that man (I'm not using him name because it's his spirit, his life and his death and I respect that). But for me there was the remembering of my Pagan Book of the Dead which used to sit on that shelf by the doorway. I wanted to reach out for it but it's packed already. Then I thought of the Prayer for the Dead which Byron Ballard shares when folks in the Mother Grove Church transition from life.

(I shared Byron's Prayer for the Dead on my blog a while ago.)

But for me I just stood there. And realized I was doing ritual.

Threshold standing between life and death.

It's a new ritual, or just one that occurred naturally.

I faced the doorway, perpendicular to traffic through it, being just in it. Facing south for some reason. I woke then to my own consciousness being in ritual, giving a grieving moment a space separate from daily life.

 Then eventually I turned east and looked at the empty bed in my own bedroom. But that's when tears formed in my eyes. Thinking of my friend who now will be dealing with the loss of her partner of many years. And feeling how that might feel for her, though I've never had such a long term relationship. If there's anything I can do to help her, I will certainly be there. By computer or phone if necessary! In person until I move away in 3 weeks time.

I said mentally some thoughts of wishing the spirit of that man to have peace, that the body has ceased it's functioning and it's pains. I imagined the sense that must be, to have some freedom from those sensations. And then nothingness.

I also said thanks for all the deeds that man had done in this lifetime which helped children. (I barely knew him, but knew his profession had included being a principal of an elementary school.)

And I honored his giving my friend a wonderful marriage where she could explore her own life and become my friend. She very seldom talked about him, and I usually had to ask her how he was, what he did with his own life, as she was busy with so many activities of her own interests. Many people who know her have never even realized she was married. 

In the last few weeks (maybe a month) of his life, she has had a lot of visits to hospitals, arranging where he might go after discharge, a while in a nursing facility, considering rehab, rehospitalization, tests and more tests...it has taken much of her time and energy for his care!

So today is a quiet day in honor of his life. I stand still again whenever I need to simply just be. To simply get used to the idea. Isn't that the way of grief?

The Emberlight people gave him his final bedridden days, while Hospice gave him medical care. Emberlight,** which I recently learned about, is a place for dying with dignity and love, and surrounded by caring volunteers. It uses many principles from Ram Dass, who wrote books about living and dying. It probably would not be considered Christian, but open to all faiths. 

I'm now following their Facebook page, a non-profit which does not charge patients for care.

This is the Red Oak at Emberlight which my friend photographed so we could discern what kind of oak it might be.  I posted about it over on When I Was 69 blog.

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A donation given to Emberlight was covered by our local news station, and the link is on the Emberlight Facebook page.

Long goodbye

 I have friends who I spent hours with making pottery.

Yesterday I left off all my potting supplies at the pottery studio. I had double parked, so just dropped the big box at the end of a table, and saw two old friends. But I didn't stay to explain or talk.

I'm not able to relate to these old pottery friends very well. I know they wanted to connect, at least Cindi would have liked to, but I worried about the car.

That's what I told myself.

I also worried about my grieving process. She and I would have ended up in a hug. So why did I just avoid that? Well, probably because these friends were "in the studio only" friends. Never did lunch or coffee with them. Never saw them after I quit (during and after the pandemic until the year I tried going back,) so they only existed in connection with my being there and creating with clay.

We all got to know each other's lives pretty much while talking and dipping glazes, or pushing and pulling clay on a wheel. At a certain level anyway. A good acquaintance-ship. Not really friends. No going home to each other's place.

I felt that way anyway.

But the place did hold many memories...when one spends hours creatively, I felt the emotions of my life coming out in the clay. And then there are the emotions that happen when my created pieces work well, or fail completely. Hours spent in pursuit of beauty, trying to speak the feelings so others could also experience them...and then they might crack, or the glaze run, or someone else's pot explodes and sticks all over a beautiful piece.

So I kept a couple of those failures to remind me of how hopeful I'd been. One is a plate that was fired in the glaze kiln but someone else's piece exploded, and so there's a shard stuck in the middle of the finished plate. I use it under a flower pot. Another is the lid with a painted bee on it, where the teapot had flowing glaze which stuck to the kiln shelf, and had kiln wash stuck all over the foot of it so it was destroyed.

Yes I cried sometimes when something failed.

And I continued to look at several poorly made pieces for many days, months or years, just because I'd thought and worked so hard to have them be beautiful...before finally admitting to myself that they needed to be trashed. When packing my pottery that I'd lived with here on my apartment's shelves, I took a good third of them to the hammer.

I would spend a couple of hours every day the studio was open making something or another. And up till the pandemic it offered at least 2 hours, and sometimes 4 a day that I could go throw, hand-built, or glaze creations in clay. (My blog Alchemy of Clay has lots of my old pottery from then.)

Pottery was a very good way for me to live for 12 years after retirement.

So now I'm letting it all go. Except for the 10 boxes of pottery that are already packed for my next adventure.

A bit of stuff, eh?

 

No, I will not live like this for another month. The scattered boxes and packing materials will be consolidated soon. I like the little hopeful plants in an old mug which I will keep that sits on the newly cleaned passthrough. It's never been this empty since I moved in 11 years ago.

I have lived 19 years in Black Mountain. It's pretty incredible that so much of it has been in this one space.

Today is Summer Solstice, Litha in traditions brought from the western Europeans from whom I am descended.

Another blogger posted an old photo with a Midsummer Pole, which I was surprised to see. It is indeed a different pole style than the MayDay, Beltaine Pole. Why didn't I remember that? Well, there's only so much memory accessible in the old grey cells. Zing, there goes another neuron spinning off into an unknown connection!

Speaking of which, I remember 14 months ago, when I applied for various low-cost apartments in the southwest, hoping to live nearer my youngest son and wife, as well as a place where maybe the drier air would help my breathing.

But having spent another 4 nights hospitalized with pneumonia just a week or so before I went to visit the southwest of Colorado, I also was considering my mortality.

I would go to bed feeling like I could either die the next day, or work on moving plans. Neither happened, for quite a while...well, the former has yet to happen as you can tell.

So a year later I can finally move to Durango CO.

And the challenge for the next month is to put belongings into moveable tubs and boxes, and throw out or give away the things I do not use. That's a lot of shifting of stuff. Which is why there are so many things all over the living room above.

You don't see the 3 bags of trash which will strain my back to get tossed into the trash bins this morning. I had to double bag the papers, because even half full, they are quite heavy. 

And I should definitely take a cart full of things to the laundry room to give to my neighbors who might benefit from them. An old ironing board, and my coffee maker are seriously under consideration. I've been making espresso into Americanos for the last few weeks, and haven't used the ironing board for a thing. Mmm, I could use it for a plant stand I suppose. NO NO NO, Barb! You have an opportunity to lighten up your life (once again.)

You might remember this about me, I have moved over 30 times in my adulthood...perhaps 50. So packing and unpacking are somewhat familiar. However, this time I'm actually going through the papers which weren't touched in the move 19 years ago when I retired from FL.

I am trying to think of this as a creative process, not a destructive one.

Being creator and created

Some days I forget that I am creating my own life. Sure there are various paths to follow, or not. These are part of life's gifts. But I always have a choice.

 "... We may imagine ourselves as the in-utero foetus - an image we might have access to these days from a sonar-scan during pregnancy. This image presents a truth about Being: we are this, and it is within us, within this moment. Every moment is pregnant with the new. It will be birthed when holy darkness is full. Part of what is required is having the eyes to see the “new bone forming in flesh,” scraping our eyes “clear of learned cataracts,”[i] seeing with fresh eyes. That is what the fullness of the Dark offers - a freshening of our eyes to see the new. And the process of Creation is always reciprocal: we are Creator and Created simultaneously, in a “ngapartji-ngapartji”[ii] way. We are in-formed by that which we form. In Earth-based religious practice, the ubiquitous icon of Mother and Child – Creator and Created – expresses something essential about the Universe itself … the “motherhood” we are all born within. It expresses the essential communion experience that this Cosmos is, the innate and holy Care that it takes, and the reciprocal nature of it. We cannot touch without being touched at the same time.[iii] We may realize that Cosmogenesis – the entire Unfolding of the Cosmos – is essentially relational: our experience tells us this is so. ..."

quoting Glenys Livingstone, A Poiesis of the Creative Cosmos: Celebrating Her within PaGaian Sacred Ceremony, p. 165.

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[i] The quotes come from a poem by Cynthia Cook, “Refractions,” Womanspirit (Oregan USA, issue 23, March 1980), 59.

[ii] This is an Indigenous Australian term for reciprocity - giving and receiving at the same time. I explain it a bit further in PaGaian Cosmology, 256-257.

[iii] An expression from Abram, The Spell of the Sensuous, 68.

Thanks PaGaian Cosmology FB site

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Of course this is an idealistic approach, a way to align my thinking as I step along life's path. It kind of leaves out all the awful bad things that are out there happening in the world today.

Can I think with this approach when dealing with how these world events affect me? Not sure.

Relief and working

See my When I was 69 post today...I've got an apartment and great news!

Looking at the fear

When we truly want to succeed but may be afraid, we often subconsciously create circumstances to keep ourselves stuck.

"... now that you’ve decided to get out of your own way, the part of you that has always wanted to succeed can now do so."

If you believe that you’ve been standing in your own way, you may want to write down the choices you’ve made that have hindered your efforts and the fears that may have prompted you to make these decisions. Take note of any thoughts and feelings that arise. It is important to be gentle and compassionate during this process. Try not to blame yourself. When you are finished, throw the paper away while setting an intention that you are getting rid of any obstacles you’ve created to block yourself. You can then let yourself start again with a clean slate. Doubts and fears are going to be natural, but with this new awareness, you should be able to prevent yourself from subconsciously thwarting yourself!

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Thanks Daily Om...I needed to read that the other morning!

And I still haven't figured out what really stops me from moving forward. I get hungry. I need to sleep. I just want to get out of the house. Lots of things seem to come from inside my being...but not the urge to work with boxing and bagging stuff up.

I need something that just is right out of reach today. 

My procrastination at packing is indeed obvious to myself. The boxes sit there. And as I look around, I see what needs to be done. But nope, I just don't get to it.

This has come home to me when I see how I can't have cleaners help me. I'm too particular.

OK, just give it all away. That means still having to pack it up and cart it somewhere. And here at least a friend has stepped forward to help on that. I'm very grateful to leave that in her hands.

Perhaps it's...

Finality.

This means the end of living in Black Mountain. I can look forward to the living somewhere else, but oh my goodness, I'm quite afraid of the actual move. It's physically challenging. And also sad as I leave lovely people and places. 

Hope vs. fears.

OK, let's get on that bandwagon of looking forward to the new things that will be coming. Oops, see I used the word "things." But I thought of friends, opportunities, exploration, events, scenes...those kinds of things.

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OK, I did do two things yesterday. I went to lunch at the Lakeview Senior Center. I found out the newly hired director of Recreation and Parks for Black Mountain had fired the woman in charge of the senior programs, who has done an excellent job. But she represented the person being paid the most and doing the least, as evident on paper, of the whole department, when the town council asked for someone to be cut since they are something like 2 million dollars under funded for the budget due July 1. The new guy introduced himself and invited people to come talk to him if they were angry. I'm sure lots of them will.

I also got my Covid booster shot.

Baby steps with some falling down

 I really have no idea how I learned to walk. Fortunately babies are close to the ground when they fall.

I do remember having many skinned knees. A strange phrase actually, because it was the scabs on my knees which were always most interesting. I would pick at them. What can I say, even when told not to, I have fingers which just go for things that itch. You wouldn't want to have seen me when measles or chicken pox happened. And don't forget I survived all kind of childhood ills without medicine thanks to Christian Science (but we did get bandaids at least.)

But for now, my baby steps are to try to move forward with the move. I keep stumbling along however!

The manager of the Durango apartment called today, and sent as attachments to an email, 8 pages of the application which needed correcting. So that took over an hour...because even though she spelled out complete directions, I kept only finishing half of them. I'd then scan the incompleted page, save it, and then notice I had to do another change on the same page, so would delete the first scan, make the second change, scan, save, etc. again. (Yes I know there's redundancy to say etc. and again.) There was lots of effort and mistakes made.

I took a nap after that. I woke after 40 minutes and thought, nope, this nap needs to go further, and it did.

Did I mention that I started to pack dusty books, while wearing a mask....but I started having strong coughs...which were not easy to clear. The nap helped a little.

Then I had another issue to deal with in thinking about moving, how to clean the apartment for the final move-out inspection. I may have chased another cleaner away with my being too particular in giving comments and instructions, so once again I don't have a regular cleaner. There is the possibility of just doing minimal cleaning and letting the management do the rest and charge it against my deposit which is due to be returned. My son and I had a phone discussion on this.

More paper work is waiting for my attention tomorrow, as well as those dusty books. I think it's time to work on the closets finally! But first I'm going to listen a while to my Anne Hillerman book and sleep some dreamless sleep. I enjoy reading about Navaho country before I move to the area.

Then another cry for joy

 At our coffee meet-up today my friends Helen and Teresa gave me a super coffee mug to remember them by.

It's covered by little photos of all the selfies we've taken while going on day trips together. I cried for joy at seeing their love displayed in all those photos, and that I'll not be going on many more day trips with them. I said "I'm not going, I want to stay here!"

Of course that was refuted immediately and I smiled and wiped my eyes.

Yes, I'll take some photos of the photo mug. It's too dark now to get good photos, the colors would be wrong.

We do have another trip planned, with Judy also invited. And we never know what Helen's situation with her sick hubby will mean. He's to have hospice care, but she can't take care of him at all at home. The hospital people should know that just looking at her. If they don't provide 24/7 care, she would be overwhelmed. 

And we're going to have another lunch at Ole's Guacamoles before I leave.

So there are still some good things happening with my friends. And I plan to go up to Mt. Mitchell next week...a bit longer drive, but the height is the goal, to be able to breathe at higher altitudes. Durango is as high as Mt. Mitchell, or just about. 

I will be happy to move wherever I can...Cortez or Durango. Both will be close to my sweet son, who went to bat for me with the batty manager yesterday. 

Letting some emotions out

Yesterday I drove with friends up along the Blue Ridge Parkway and we ate lunch sitting in our collapsible chairs at an overlook. A good easy time and I acclimated my lungs (and ears which popped a few times) to almost 6000 feet. 

 After that two hour trip I came home and decided to check in with the manager at the apartment in Durango. Yes she had received my papers, and was planning to go over them that afternoon. But she wanted us to move in in a couple of weeks, and sign the lease in person, in June! I said I couldn't afford to fly back and forth across country, and could my son sign papers (with the power of attorney form, and pay the first months rent?) Not possible, she said, it would have to be in person. No way to email them either. She could check with corporate, but she knew they wouldn't let me. And when did I think I wanted to move when my son would be available to drive me? I told her the last week of July...

She said she'd spend time going over my application and get back to me (thinking there would have to be some changes made probably.) She said if I couldn't take this apartment when it was ready, I'd go to the bottom of the waiting list.

I hung up and started crying. I haven't had any emotional release like that in months, maybe years. It just felt like nothing was happening, and I wouldn't be able to move there.

Of course it was irrational. Just being tired from the driving perhaps. And I still have the Cortez apartment waiting.

Anyway, I called my son Tai, who had a 10 minute break from whatever he was doing at the camp where he was working part time. He then called the manager, and left a message. He texted me that since he was working in Durango, he'd try to go by and talk with her when he got off.

Later he did, and was not very helpful, apparently. She called and said he was asking for special favors of them waiting for us with an empty apartment which goes against corporate rules. When he asked if he could speak to "corporate" she certainly heard that. But he did clarify with me and her that the date we have planned is the only time I can get there.

She called back (Thurs afternoon) to let me know that it will be Tues or Wed. before she hears from "corporate" about maybe having Tai sign the papers for me (she doesn't think even legal documents will allow that.) And we are asking for the apartment to stay vacant a couple of weeks more than the 30 days that she says is corporate's limit.

Anyway, I found my blood pressure had risen quite a few notches. But my oxygen was doing fine, after all this happened. I ate my frozen/microwaved pasta dinner, and watched a bit of Scarlett Fields. Then some Jeopardy. Blood pressure was down finally. Then bedtime.

I am so grateful to also have the Cortez apartment still happening...and will certainly check on it again soon. I'm sure I can have a few questions for them to make that phone call. 

As Tai so astutely said, I'm dealing with heart issues. Somehow when I said this was my fairytale to move to Durango, it really was becoming that kind of wish-fulness.

These moves are reality, not at all fantasy. I'm packing and giving away so many things I don't need to move. But I did stop and read my journal about when Tai was born in 1979. Then I packed it into a heavy box of books.

I love the mountains here, and the freedom to enjoy a few hours on the Blue Ridge Parkway. My gas was the only cost, maybe $10 since we went a bit further than I've gone before this year. And in another week I plan to make it to Mt. Mitchell, the highest mountain east of the Mississippi. I would love a picnic there. As would my friend because she really didn't like eating off her lap.

Most of the above was also what I emailed to a fellow blogger, who frequently emails me what she's doing. I really dumped a lot in that email...but it's good to let my feelings out. So here they are again!

Alternate plans

  After lots of paper shuffling, printing, (going to the store in Asheville to purchase more printer ink), filling in forms, copying forms, getting my signatures notarized, I have just sent off the final (I hope) papers to apply for the apartment in Durango CO.

And people have been asking what it looks like. So since not everyone does Google Earth (the best way to see any place at least in the US) I went scrolling around my new (to perhaps be my) neighborhood.

In case you didn't read my blogs over on When I Was 69 last week, I've been offered an apartment in Durango as of July 1, but have to send in the application asap. I can still follow all the plans I've made with my sons for moving later in July when they are available.

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First a map, please. Close to the center is a blue bubble for Famburger. The word itself is across a long white roof, which is Tamarin Square Apartments, at the corner of E 14th St and E 3rd Ave. The address is inset in the square at the bottom of the map.

Other things to note are the narrow gauge railroad which crosses the Animas River just to the north of the apartments. I've already located a nearby (walking distance) coffee shop in the other direction!

On the right you see a greyish area, with a place indicated as lookout 2. That's basically a cliff going up to the college. I will be facing the other direction (probably west) which looks out over the town to the mountains beyond.

So now I'll use Google to go around, starting with going down the hill facing the west, down 14th St. (They are so clever, streets go all east/west, avenues go all north/south.) The building to the far right is Tamarin Square.

Now I've turned toward the apartments at that corner which is E. 3rd Ave. Notice nice sidewalks everywhere!

We go down to E. 2nd Ave, and you can see the 4 story red brick apartment building over this closer building, with the high cliff covered with trees in the background.

We keep going to E. 15th St, looking west at an intersection which has a railroad crossing. This is the special tourist train to Silverton CO.

Looking to the right (east) up E 15th St, we can see the apartment building again and the trees on the cliff behind.

At E 3rd Ave, 15th St. stops, and becomes a highway number going to the north to the left. And you can only go just to E. 3rd Ave to the right. I'm pretty sure there was a signal light at that intersection when I visited last year. (These Google photos were made in 2024)  It becomes a beautiful boulevard, with trees and a grassy area in the middle, and some of the most elegant old homes in town!

So if you think I'm being a bit premature in posting these photos of the area when I haven't even been approved for an apartment, I have a plan.

I was perfectly happy with the apartment possibility in Cortez. And I haven't sent in my thanks but no thanks yet, since I want it to be my safety net at this point.  

Durango plans may or may not work out. I'm even going to continue doing the lease requirements for another year here in Black Mountain, just in case...

But I'm also aware that what you think and talk about, what energies you express out into the world, can actually attract things to you.

A friend said it's superstitious. But I think it's also making reality, or as some people say, manifesting things.

If that's all a bit whoo woo to you, OK. At some points in my life, especially considering some very way out ideas, I would agree. 

Right now I feel very blessed. I'm certainly grateful.

And until there's a definite approval, it's still a big "if." 

I can still think that I have 3 apartments now though.