Looking at the fear

When we truly want to succeed but may be afraid, we often subconsciously create circumstances to keep ourselves stuck.

"... now that you’ve decided to get out of your own way, the part of you that has always wanted to succeed can now do so."

If you believe that you’ve been standing in your own way, you may want to write down the choices you’ve made that have hindered your efforts and the fears that may have prompted you to make these decisions. Take note of any thoughts and feelings that arise. It is important to be gentle and compassionate during this process. Try not to blame yourself. When you are finished, throw the paper away while setting an intention that you are getting rid of any obstacles you’ve created to block yourself. You can then let yourself start again with a clean slate. Doubts and fears are going to be natural, but with this new awareness, you should be able to prevent yourself from subconsciously thwarting yourself!

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Thanks Daily Om...I needed to read that the other morning!

And I still haven't figured out what really stops me from moving forward. I get hungry. I need to sleep. I just want to get out of the house. Lots of things seem to come from inside my being...but not the urge to work with boxing and bagging stuff up.

I need something that just is right out of reach today. 

My procrastination at packing is indeed obvious to myself. The boxes sit there. And as I look around, I see what needs to be done. But nope, I just don't get to it.

This has come home to me when I see how I can't have cleaners help me. I'm too particular.

OK, just give it all away. That means still having to pack it up and cart it somewhere. And here at least a friend has stepped forward to help on that. I'm very grateful to leave that in her hands.

Perhaps it's...

Finality.

This means the end of living in Black Mountain. I can look forward to the living somewhere else, but oh my goodness, I'm quite afraid of the actual move. It's physically challenging. And also sad as I leave lovely people and places. 

Hope vs. fears.

OK, let's get on that bandwagon of looking forward to the new things that will be coming. Oops, see I used the word "things." But I thought of friends, opportunities, exploration, events, scenes...those kinds of things.

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OK, I did do two things yesterday. I went to lunch at the Lakeview Senior Center. I found out the newly hired director of Recreation and Parks for Black Mountain had fired the woman in charge of the senior programs, who has done an excellent job. But she represented the person being paid the most and doing the least, as evident on paper, of the whole department, when the town council asked for someone to be cut since they are something like 2 million dollars under funded for the budget due July 1. The new guy introduced himself and invited people to come talk to him if they were angry. I'm sure lots of them will.

I also got my Covid booster shot.

Day Five - Living till Dying - Dragon-Woman

 I thought I skipped yesterday, May 4th, in order to have the days of the month match my days counting forward for Living till Dying. (I ended up posting something anyway!)

Of course when June comes along, if I actually continue to have something to say here, it will be out of kilter (whatever that means.)

OK I looked it up for you. Kilter comes from older English Kelter, meaning good health, in order.

Some demonstrators on May 1 representing the Unitarian Universalist association.

So the last thing I was thinking about was how to get myself to do something new...rather than procrastinate, rather than continue doing whatever I already was doing.

It's a law of physics. Whatever is in motion tends to stay in motion. Whatever is NOT in motion, tends to stay NOT in motion. Equilibrium or stasis. Thus myself. Sitting typing, sipping something. Getting up every now and then to stretch my legs and move my body. But start something else?

Ach! Not easy to do.

So I'm thinking back to how my life began...being rudely pushed out of a warm damp womb where all my needs were met and I was constantly lulled by mom's heart beat and other sounds of her digestive tract, as well as her voice and those of my father and grandparents too probably. Laughter with the interesting bouncing against mom's ribs. And just as soon as the pushing squeezing stopped, I was cold and stretched and in brightness and noise, and wrapped in soft but dry blankets and clothes. And screamed my lungs out to get back to comfort again.

So I started life. And now I need to start the next thing I'm going to do. I will take baby steps.

Remember how much I wanted to find out things? Curiosity drove me to explore, to move....crawl, then walk. Balance on 2 legs! I just knew how. But wait, there had to be the necessary growth of muscles and brain support.

Baby Steps. I know how still. Just reach for the next thing, just do it (thank you Nike). So I was able to demonstrate this skill to my own satisfaction, putting the laundry away... no not doing the washing and drying. A friend kindly did it a week or so ago, and folded it. And now I've finally put it in closet and drawers. There are more clothes lying about the room. Am I curious enough to see what's under them? To see them hanging in the closet? To fold them and stack them in correct places in cupboards?

I have also accomplished washing the dishes after making bread. All the kitchen is ready for the next useful thing that needs to happen there!

Whoo hoo! I am woman! And I am dragon-woman! The dragon energy is needed these days to combat the elder sick status which tends to be-fog my being completely.

Fire breathing if you please! 

My last dragon at a women's circle ritual