Waiting for the next marker

 

I'm here.

I'm not yet complete...if ever I will be. 

There is much to be done, so I figure as a marathon (which I know nothing about) I can at least have markers when I reach a certain point in this process. The finish line of course is many years away.

I marked arrival in Colorado last Saturday. Then moved into apartment on Monday.

Tuesday was setting up the kitchen by Kendra, and assisting as I could. Wednesday I did a bit of unpacking and took my first shower here. I baked bread. I also finally set up wi-fi with several calls to Spectrum to get help. I received the guest key fob for Tai and Kendra to get into the downstairs entrance. And I received a reserved parking place. Gratitude!!

Today, I plan to go shopping. It's amazing how one can live without staples like milk and butter. I do have a very full pantry from things I accumulated after the hurricane when everything had to be tossed out from lack of electricity over 10 days.

I may have become a food hoarder.

Why am I writing here again? Because I  just do have feelings and thoughts that feel personal and I'm not sure I'm ready to just blast them on the regular blog.

Of course the process of getting the blog's header back to displaying something, and so forth, I've already forgotten why I signed into this thread. 

Tai and Kendra are coming over later, to help again. What a wonderful family I have.

I made the bed as soon as I got up. You need to know I was sleeping the first 2 nights just on the mattress pad, with a sheet and blanket over me (when the night turns 60s those windows are open!) So the first thing to do was pull out the sheets and pillow which had been designated until the last moment to cover me in the air mattress when I arrived. At the last moment leaving, there was lots more room in the U-haul, so the guys packed in the twin bed, which was to have been discarded. And I am grateful to have a comfortable bed to collapse easily onto...the air mattress is pretty high, not as low as the kind you float on in the pool...but still won't let you sit on the side easily.

I made bread last evening. The bread machine works, which is not to say it works well. But I have a toaster, so will try having it for breakfast. The first slice, without butter, was a bit floury tasting, but I added some apple butter, and it was ok.

I'm making espresso each morning and turning it into Americanos. It does the trick, though I do get more caffeine than regular coffee.

So I'm waiting for the next marker in this foot race of life.

A bit of stuff, eh?

 

No, I will not live like this for another month. The scattered boxes and packing materials will be consolidated soon. I like the little hopeful plants in an old mug which I will keep that sits on the newly cleaned passthrough. It's never been this empty since I moved in 11 years ago.

I have lived 19 years in Black Mountain. It's pretty incredible that so much of it has been in this one space.

Today is Summer Solstice, Litha in traditions brought from the western Europeans from whom I am descended.

Another blogger posted an old photo with a Midsummer Pole, which I was surprised to see. It is indeed a different pole style than the MayDay, Beltaine Pole. Why didn't I remember that? Well, there's only so much memory accessible in the old grey cells. Zing, there goes another neuron spinning off into an unknown connection!

Speaking of which, I remember 14 months ago, when I applied for various low-cost apartments in the southwest, hoping to live nearer my youngest son and wife, as well as a place where maybe the drier air would help my breathing.

But having spent another 4 nights hospitalized with pneumonia just a week or so before I went to visit the southwest of Colorado, I also was considering my mortality.

I would go to bed feeling like I could either die the next day, or work on moving plans. Neither happened, for quite a while...well, the former has yet to happen as you can tell.

So a year later I can finally move to Durango CO.

And the challenge for the next month is to put belongings into moveable tubs and boxes, and throw out or give away the things I do not use. That's a lot of shifting of stuff. Which is why there are so many things all over the living room above.

You don't see the 3 bags of trash which will strain my back to get tossed into the trash bins this morning. I had to double bag the papers, because even half full, they are quite heavy. 

And I should definitely take a cart full of things to the laundry room to give to my neighbors who might benefit from them. An old ironing board, and my coffee maker are seriously under consideration. I've been making espresso into Americanos for the last few weeks, and haven't used the ironing board for a thing. Mmm, I could use it for a plant stand I suppose. NO NO NO, Barb! You have an opportunity to lighten up your life (once again.)

You might remember this about me, I have moved over 30 times in my adulthood...perhaps 50. So packing and unpacking are somewhat familiar. However, this time I'm actually going through the papers which weren't touched in the move 19 years ago when I retired from FL.

I am trying to think of this as a creative process, not a destructive one.

Baby steps with some falling down

 I really have no idea how I learned to walk. Fortunately babies are close to the ground when they fall.

I do remember having many skinned knees. A strange phrase actually, because it was the scabs on my knees which were always most interesting. I would pick at them. What can I say, even when told not to, I have fingers which just go for things that itch. You wouldn't want to have seen me when measles or chicken pox happened. And don't forget I survived all kind of childhood ills without medicine thanks to Christian Science (but we did get bandaids at least.)

But for now, my baby steps are to try to move forward with the move. I keep stumbling along however!

The manager of the Durango apartment called today, and sent as attachments to an email, 8 pages of the application which needed correcting. So that took over an hour...because even though she spelled out complete directions, I kept only finishing half of them. I'd then scan the incompleted page, save it, and then notice I had to do another change on the same page, so would delete the first scan, make the second change, scan, save, etc. again. (Yes I know there's redundancy to say etc. and again.) There was lots of effort and mistakes made.

I took a nap after that. I woke after 40 minutes and thought, nope, this nap needs to go further, and it did.

Did I mention that I started to pack dusty books, while wearing a mask....but I started having strong coughs...which were not easy to clear. The nap helped a little.

Then I had another issue to deal with in thinking about moving, how to clean the apartment for the final move-out inspection. I may have chased another cleaner away with my being too particular in giving comments and instructions, so once again I don't have a regular cleaner. There is the possibility of just doing minimal cleaning and letting the management do the rest and charge it against my deposit which is due to be returned. My son and I had a phone discussion on this.

More paper work is waiting for my attention tomorrow, as well as those dusty books. I think it's time to work on the closets finally! But first I'm going to listen a while to my Anne Hillerman book and sleep some dreamless sleep. I enjoy reading about Navaho country before I move to the area.

Now to work!

 About 4:30 yesterday I added my comment to those of my blogfriends...

Thanks so much for great cheering comments. You've been with me through my doldrums lately, so I'm so happy to share good news. Just wait. It gets even better!! OK, tomorrow I'll give details.

Yesterday I  posted that "Blue Skies" post and about an hour later I was hit with a stomach bug. So that took most of my attention the rest of the day. Probably something I ate, I mused, and finally took a pill. Had a nap. And woke up feeling a lot better.

But at 11:30 that morning I actually got the call!

I was approved for the apartment with the rent being 1/3 my income. Will I be able to eat? Who knows! Will I be able to drive my car if I even get it all the way out to CO? The price of gas is so awful. But I'm going to do my "baby steps" thing, and not worry about all that till "Scarlett O'Hara's tomorrow."

I texted the boys, and asked them to decide when I could consider moving, because again she asked what date I'd like to move in...basically sign docs, pay down-payment and rent, and get the key. 

The good news is that the rent does include electricity. So no matter how cold or hot, they will help by paying for the heat/air conditioning. And cooking! I do hope it's a standard size electric stove. Forgot to ask if it was gas, but I doubt it.

OK, I do need to cut back on time here at the desk and take care of doing stuff. Thanks again for being here to help me get through all this. I'll be back whenever my feelings or thoughts get too strong and I need to share again!

See you in the funny papers.

So nothing happening is also a challenge!

 All the inspiring thoughts seem to be based on reacting to challenges, the events, the sudden changes, the unexpected, the wishes unfulfilled, or maybe just confusion.

Here I am waiting.

I'm depressed about it. Nothing is happening.

But can this be a challenge too?

I expect change to be something to deal with. Not nothing.

OK, here's the thing. I can't handle this void.

I am simply not prepared for such a huge challenge.

Good things abound. I had a good visit for my annual wellness check and got all my questions answered. Will change the drugs to hopefully reduce the ongoing loss of bone mass due to osteoporosis. A shot every 6 months instead of a drug once a week. It hasn't done much, and I continue to have more holy bones.

Funny. Holes in them there bones.

Not funny that a fall might mean a break...and actually I've heard that a lot of falls happen after the break, not that the falls cause the break. Backwards to the way it's always talked about, eh?

That's what comes of having worked in nursing homes as a counselor.

OK, I'm going to call some people in the rental places, and just make myself bothersome a bit. What do I have to lose? I just am eager to move.

Day Twelve - Living till Dying

 Good Mother's Day last Sunday.

I spoke with all three of my sons, nice long chats about potential move, which is on hold until we hear from one of the apartment complexes where I'm on waiting lists.

I am able to verbalize a new term that describes myself. I am now frail. That is really hard for me to acknowledge. I choked up saying it for the first time to my son and his wife.

So far M (in FL) has started checking on moving companies, and pods where we load everything and then unload at destination. But he's shy of being spammed and wouldn't give any of them his email or phone number. So he doesn't have any quotes.

Did I complain? Did I do it myself? Nope. Gonna let them figure it out, even if it hurts.

R said he is able to support me flying out, but probably won't be able to do any more hands on help (he lives in OH). His middle daughter is graduating college next week and they are driving to DC for that. Big family gathering, which I refrained from joining.

​T and K are welcoming, but somewhat cautious about having me stay with them more than a week. K also wants to continue her life choices...and I respect her needs for space too. But they are also pushing for me to not move to their town (Cortez) and rather to Durango. Durango is bigger and is probably a good choice for social and medical needs for me. But if Cortez offers an apartment earliest, I'll take it. Cortez has a much smaller hospital, no pulmonologists, and I'd still need to drive to Durango for the UU church as well as Dr. appointments.

I explained that the biggest thing is just to get me to CO. Once there, I may still move later to another place if there's a reason to do so...and with very little furniture in the move, it won't be as big a production.  I will eventually purchase furniture from thrift stores. That's probably where a lot of my current pieces will go. Or I'll just give them to whomever wants to come get them. They are all from thrift sources anyway.

And I said to each of my sons how important this conversation is to me. They do tend to go elsewhere with a lot of their lives having needs. So each Sunday I'll be calling them in the foreseeable future.

My current situation is one of continuing my health care needs, cleaning up the apartment after last month's hospitalization, and packing the rest of the things I want to keep (dishes, books, clothes etc.) At least most of the pottery is in 10 boxes already.

I am also checking in with the 5 apartment complexes where I'm on waiting lists. Two look promising, one in Cortez, one in Durango.

And I am aware that I had a mental/emotional burn-out last week. I want to figure out just how to stop that from happening again. Pondering the feelings, and any choices I can make for earlier awareness and halting it.