Threshold ritual for grief

 

I think it was an hour ago when my friend texted that her husband had died the day before. She said she was about to call the funeral home.

So I just texted back that I was so sorry, and was thinking of her. She had been expecting his death for some time.

I also texted a virtual hug, and availability to talk via phone or in person. I left it to her as to when. (Maybe that's a good plan, but if I don't hear from her today, I may call myself later.)

Then I noticed my own feelings.

She's not a pagan, but a humanist. For her this is the end of his existence. For me it's just a transition of the spirit of that man to another form. 

I honor her own beliefs of course. But for me I stopped and stood in the threshold to my bedroom.

I just stood there thinking of transitions. I wanted to say goodbye and pleasant journeys to that man (I'm not using him name because it's his spirit, his life and his death and I respect that). But for me there was the remembering of my Pagan Book of the Dead which used to sit on that shelf by the doorway. I wanted to reach out for it but it's packed already. Then I thought of the Prayer for the Dead which Byron Ballard shares when folks in the Mother Grove Church transition from life.

(I shared Byron's Prayer for the Dead on my blog a while ago.)

But for me I just stood there. And realized I was doing ritual.

Threshold standing between life and death.

It's a new ritual, or just one that occurred naturally.

I faced the doorway, perpendicular to traffic through it, being just in it. Facing south for some reason. I woke then to my own consciousness being in ritual, giving a grieving moment a space separate from daily life.

 Then eventually I turned east and looked at the empty bed in my own bedroom. But that's when tears formed in my eyes. Thinking of my friend who now will be dealing with the loss of her partner of many years. And feeling how that might feel for her, though I've never had such a long term relationship. If there's anything I can do to help her, I will certainly be there. By computer or phone if necessary! In person until I move away in 3 weeks time.

I said mentally some thoughts of wishing the spirit of that man to have peace, that the body has ceased it's functioning and it's pains. I imagined the sense that must be, to have some freedom from those sensations. And then nothingness.

I also said thanks for all the deeds that man had done in this lifetime which helped children. (I barely knew him, but knew his profession had included being a principal of an elementary school.)

And I honored his giving my friend a wonderful marriage where she could explore her own life and become my friend. She very seldom talked about him, and I usually had to ask her how he was, what he did with his own life, as she was busy with so many activities of her own interests. Many people who know her have never even realized she was married. 

In the last few weeks (maybe a month) of his life, she has had a lot of visits to hospitals, arranging where he might go after discharge, a while in a nursing facility, considering rehab, rehospitalization, tests and more tests...it has taken much of her time and energy for his care!

So today is a quiet day in honor of his life. I stand still again whenever I need to simply just be. To simply get used to the idea. Isn't that the way of grief?

The Emberlight people gave him his final bedridden days, while Hospice gave him medical care. Emberlight,** which I recently learned about, is a place for dying with dignity and love, and surrounded by caring volunteers. It uses many principles from Ram Dass, who wrote books about living and dying. It probably would not be considered Christian, but open to all faiths. 

I'm now following their Facebook page, a non-profit which does not charge patients for care.

This is the Red Oak at Emberlight which my friend photographed so we could discern what kind of oak it might be.  I posted about it over on When I Was 69 blog.

**

A donation given to Emberlight was covered by our local news station, and the link is on the Emberlight Facebook page.

Living till Dying, Day One

 I was thinking nobody knows when they're going to die.

At least those who aren't suicidal or those who have euthanasia legal where they live...

So mainly I am thinking about myself. And I'm not depressed.

So I posted this the other day (after being totally frustrated by the health insurance industry!)

About 20 minutes ago I gave up trying to take a nap. I started my thoughts as to what I'd next do with lots of things I've let lapse lately. Then I thought of writing a blog post saying this was Dying Day One. Who knows how long it will go...conceivably until I am no longer.

It seemed an interesting proposition. Rather than counting down, let's count up. Maybe I'll get to 99 days, or 999, or maybe...well, it's going to be till I get bored and say so, or am unable to do whatever is necessary to post about a day.

I realized I write almost every day about myself anyway. And there are actually a few people who read and comment on my posts. I often wonder if they have busy lives, or get as much out of our little connections here as I do. They do write about trips, gardening, selling, working sometimes though not much, creating things sometimes, having relationships with friends and families, and their own health challenges.

I don't have much except getting sick, getting treatments, getting well, it seems. And a few photos around my life, sometimes flowers.

Boring.

I may not even make a post on this topic daily. Who knows what I'll feel like tomorrow.

But I do have today (as many sage people have said, that's all we ever have.)

Today I'm thinking of rehab. I have plenty of resources for doing a bit physically (from videos). I've requested an order for pulmonary rehab from the PA who I saw last Monday...in case insurance might foot the bill for me to go and work out at the rehab gym in Asheville which I've done before. We shall see.

In the meantime I looked up the Feldenkrais videos which are from 3 years ago when I tried taking classes (and paid for them) but ended up with a bout of pneumonia interrupting them. So I don't think I benefited as much as I wished I had. I just found 3 available, out of what were around 8-10 classes. But it's a start to do easy movements that help me feel  better.

I also opened the Ornish exercises which were my cardio rehab from 6 years ago. The suggestion of a plant based low fat diet is under consideration still. I slipped back into my old ways after about a year of trying to go with that diet. And when recovering from a hospitalization (like I currently am) I tend to want easy to prepare things that won't mess up the kitchen.

 I was thrilled to drive through various fast food places about once a week. as soon as I felt safe to drive. And I paid extra for things that were better than frozen dinners at the grocery, purchasing portions of catered type dishes. Plus for some reason this time my insurance offered me free meals, which were delivered earlier this week. They are minimal, but the ease of popping something in the microwave means I definitely don't have to stand and prep veggies or cook at the stove.

Another day to count, this is 3 weeks after discharge from hospital...and supposedly 5 days there means 5 weeks feeling that I haven't yet caught up with my life again.

I also have to make myself re-habituate myself to doing some ordinary things, there are some things that I just have to push myself to do, among them are self-care. Coming out of the hospital means taking full responsibility for my life again.

So I've scheduled a haircut next week.

Enough for living/dying today.

On life and death - consider this

 A video with things to consider...

The Egg Story by Andy Weir Animated by Kurzgesagt A Big Thanks to Andy Weir for allowing us to use his story. The original was released here: http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/thee... Visit his website here: http://www.andyweirauthor.com/